double edged sword

As parents we often find ourselves living for our kids. By that I mean that so much of our world revolves around them -- feeding, bathing, clothing, playing, entertaining, planning, protecting, and so on. It's a beautiful thing, one that can never truly be described, one that must be experienced to really understand and appreciate.

When, as parents, we have the rare opportunity to have some time to ourselves you would think we would cherish every minute of it, relish it, take full advantage of it. A strange thing happens when these opportunities arise though and it's just not always that easy.

Today I had a doctor appointment so I dropped Vin off with Grandma. I know he loves spending time with her and even when I asked him this morning if he wanted to go see her he immediately said "yes!" When we arrived at her house he was all smiles and giggles. Yet the entire drive there I was already missing him and sad that I would be without him for the day. I have so much I want to do (38 week prego body willing) that I know I should be grateful. And I am. I'm grateful and thankful for this time. But I can't help feeling like a part of me is missing.

It's feelings like this that often make me wonder if I'm more attached to Vin than he is to me. Seriously. Then my mind immediately goes to that place that wonders how my attachment will affect his development. Is it a healthy attachment, one that will allow him to grow into his own strong, sensitive and independent person? Will it hinder or help my ability to make the tough decisions later? Or will I find myself coddling him, sheltering him too much, keeping him from new experiences (especially those without me)? I have no answers for these questions and it will probably be years and years from now before I see the results of my parenting choices.

Now, with only two weeks left before Colin arrives, I have started to notice that Vin is a bit more attached to me than usual and I wonder if it's because he senses that a big change is about to happen in all our lives. I've also recently admitted my myself that I am loving every minute of his sometimes clingyness. To be loved and needed that much by another person is so amazing. How anyone can go through parenthood without their heart melting with love on a regular basis is completely beyond me. Ok, yes, there are tough times when it's not all flowers and giggles, but when I step back from the hard experiences for even just a minute, take a deep breath, and look into that cute little face, it's so easy to let go of the frustration I may be feeling and just love ...

Ok, enough for today. I should really go take advantage of this time and get something done, even if it's just catching up on a little sleep!